Have you ever reflected on the miraculous process that is the ability for humans to build muscle mass to get stronger? With a carefully calculated load applied over numerous iterations, humans can make more muscle wherever they desire (need). When the targeted muscle group takes on the right amount of stress, muscle fibers strain to the point of ripping. Then, with mystical speed and precision, the body sends resources (mostly proteins) to the damaged site to be repaired and fortified. The result, provided the body had sufficient time to work, is a stronger muscle group from the carefully placed fresh fibers.

Relationships work in a similar way. The trust and determined intentions that are the lifeblood of a relationship get ripped to then (hopefully) get restored and improved. Only, the restoration and improvement aren’t a formulaic cocktail of proteins and rest when it comes to relationships. Instead, there’s an abstract orchestra of expectation realignment and the individuals trying to communicate their emotions in hopes of reconstructing trust. The process is anything but simple to characterize, yet it’s essential to the survival of the relationship. There can’t be growth without tearing and a repair process.

Most relationships fall short at reconstructing trust, let alone creating more from a tear. So they fall into a cycle of constantly working on rebuilding enough trust for it to break again, restarting the cycle. Then, where do we look for a remedy, especially for relationships that are supposed to be lifelong? Perhaps we can learn from the way people lift to build muscle. It turns out that most effective muscular training starts with setting intentions and planning. With this idea in mind, what would ‘lifting’ look like for a relationship?

One reasonable starting point for a relationship is to plan on having enough load and rest as a foundation so that you can avoid the aforementioned cycle. For a longterm relationship, I think this looks like an intense ‘trial’ at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, the type of trial will differ across combinations of people but there is certainly still some common ground. For instance, consider this example trial: two people spend just enough time together to establish chemistry but not a productive pattern of communication and collective growth. Then, they’re forced apart while having to use their weakest style of communication in the face of other people trying to surreptitiously ruin the relationship. They have to do this for almost a year. Wow- one could hardly imagine a more brutal trial for a relationship.

Inevitably, both members of the relationship will want to quit several times during the trial. That’s the design. Similar to a well designed weight lifting plan having the lifter be able to barely lift the weight a quarter of the time, and in some cases, not be able to lift the weight at all. But greatness in both cases is made from lifting the weight when it feels too heavy to lift, knowing that it’s the only way to get stronger on the horizon.

When it comes to practical execution of such a trial for a relationship, one quickly realizes that designing the setting is not nearly as simple as picking a place where there’s weights like a gym. In the relationship case, the trial can’t actually be within the control of the participants. Otherwise, it’s too easy to just ignore having to lift the metaphorical weight and just focus on the intoxicating attraction. But wait- how can you enter into such a trial that you have no control over?

There’s certainly an art to manifestation and surrender. You’ll never find yourself in a trial, or at least find the productivity that comes from identifying you’re in it, if you never establish the notion on your own; this goes back to intention. So you have to start there-- internally creating the possibility of a trial along with the beauty coming from its results. From there, you have to do your best to establish the inputs necessary for creating such a trial and then trust that the intention will be manifested when the timing and inputs are right. It’s surprising how often this approach yields favorable results.

If you’re able to find yourself in a foundational relationship trial, you will likely detest going through it, but every tear will be worth it as you build the strength required for a fulfilling lifetime relationship.